Recently, while accepting an award for excellence in film, actor Ryan Gosling admitted to having a swearing problem in third grade. Yup, lots of F-bombs. He even brought knives to school after watching Rambo, resulting in his suspension. His challenging behavior drove his mother crazy, and she banned him from watching movies. Banning movies didn’t stop Ryan – he went on to become just Ken. Ryan’s mom couldn’t keep him away from movies, much like we can’t change our kid’s temperament. Sure, we can change our relationship with them and the family dynamics at play, but we can’t change their essence. So, how do we love – and embrace – our spirited kids?
“My spirited child made me laugh the hardest, cry the most, and get the most angry,” remarked a mom of three young adults who have successfully – and happily – launched. Many can relate to this sentiment, and the associated angst and guilt that ensues when not able to parent them “correctly.” We don’t want to dampen their spirit, but how in the world do we get them to listen?
“Spirited” kids are marked by intense energy and equally intense emotion. Developmental psychologist, author, and podcast host Dr. Kennedy proposes that all children are “good inside.” Our job is to connect with that goodness, nurture it, and watch it flourish – from the terrible twos to the tumultuous teens.
In reviewing several developmental psychology and parenting resources, a few common themes emerged:
- Reframe your perspective: Dr. Becky Kennedy suggests viewing challenging behavior as “a good kid having a hard time” rather than labeling your child as difficult.
- Embrace your child’s strengths: View your teen’s strong-willed nature as a positive trait rather than a difficulty. How can we help them channel their intensity towards positive outlets? According to psychologist and New York Times’ best selling author, Jennifer Wallace, nurture your child’s intrinsic self-worth and help them feel like they matter regardless of their accomplishments.
- Understand their temperament: Recognize that spirited teens may have a more active arousal system, often described as having a “Lamborghini engine.” This understanding can help you approach them with empathy and appropriate strategies.
Let’s distinguish between embracing our spirited children and allowing them to dominate the household. While we offer our kids unconditional love and affirm their importance, they are also capable of showing respect. They are valuable contributors to the family unit. Here are some tips to maintain balance at home:
- Incorporate playfulness and curiosity into boundary setting.
- Allow for an appropriate amount of autonomy by offering choices.
- Help them funnel their excess energy, creativity, and passion towards healthier choices — sports, arts, clubs. Help them become competent in one area of life to contribute to their sense of identity.
- Consistent expectations and clear consequences if boundaries are not met.
- Maintaining weekly special one-on-one time with your child to bolster their sense of mattering and your connection.
Ultimately, the goal is to raise resilient, confident individuals who can harness their natural intensity to make positive contributions to the world. By focusing on connection, understanding, and consistent guidance, we can help our spirited children navigate their challenges and emerge as strong, capable adults.
Helpful Resources:
Alexander JJ, Sandahl ID. The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids. TarcherPerigee; 2016.
Kennedy B. Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Wave; 2022.
Kurcinka MS. Raising Your Spirited Child, Third Edition: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic. William Morrow Paperbacks; 2015.
Laugeson EA. The Science of Making Friends: Helping Socially Challenged Teens and Young Adults. Jossey-Bass; 2013.
Pressman A. The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans. Avery; 2024.
Wallace J. Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic and What You Can Do About It. G.P. Putnam’s Sons; 2023.
